My Black Friday

Get Baker's Dozen

Anyone who has ever worked at a retail establishment on a Black Friday understands that chaos comes to visit the day after Turkey Day. Being a sensitive dude, I frequently interpret the way Black Friday shoppers treat me as a measure of them and not myself. Many shoppers act like total Lemonheads when they don't get what they want.

My book, Retail Hell: Baker's Dozen contains an entire chapter devoted to and entitled Black Friday. This article is a different bag than my book. Firstly, Peter Barton, the main character in Baker's Dozen had it worse. Secondly, readers will find Peter's Black Friday much more humorous than mine.

EP 7's first manifestation. 

Going to work on "Thursday" at 4 PM was not pleasing. I think I'll tell my company to stick it before next Thanksgiving. Thursday? That's what my company calls the day before Black Friday. It's just Thursday to them. I mean screw tradition, right? Hey, corporate dickwads - It is still Thanksgiving to me. And to all consumers: Shop until you drop. I hope your doorbuster HDTV goes tits-up by next Black Friday. The stuff we sold at low prices was total bunk this year. I don't get the fascination.

Nobody at the top of my corporation gives a crap that I couldn't spend Thanksgiving with my kids. I can face that. So, knowing I would not be able to break free of my self-imposed retail bonds, I went to work at 4 PM on THANKSGIVING.

My first job of the evening was crowd control. The line had some very "challenged" individuals waiting in it. There was this one chick who kept huffing an E-cig and trying to scam me into letting her people cut in line after the corporate fucksticks had imposed their 5 PM deadline on the throng of ogres. People tried to cut; folks attempted to plead their cases. I shot them down -pleasantly. I was kind but firm.

On the Tuesday before Thanksgiving I had the displeasure of meeting what I call an Ogre near the electronics department in our store. This woman was a willfully rude woman, with a cruel streak. In an act of sublime justice, I was able to see that same woman attempting to cut into line, so I got to send her to the back.

I smiled inwardly for at least an hour after that.

Once the line was inside, I worked filling endcaps. I helped several guests, and do you know what? They were all very kind. The shift was atrocious, though, and the checkout lines were insane. Corporate has taken out six check stands to make room for a coffee bistro during the past five years. No wonder the line to cash out went all the way around the store, weaving down each aisle. Go backs were everywhere because guests had time to think stuff through before they bought.

I hope sales were low. I started to appreciate why so many folks hate retail chains. It's because the only time you can get anything at a low price is on a day where you have to fight like hell. Or so some dudes believe.

The police arrested two guys because one dude busted the other in the face after said dude bumped him with a shopping cart. Naturally, the other guy punched the other, rinse, repeat.

There were no treats like there normally are in the breakroom on holidays; there were dangerously warm deli sandwiches- and some 12 packs of warm soda that went fast. Some Thanksgiving.

After my "lunch break" at 9 PM, I picked up abandoned merchandise all over the hardlines side of the store. I worked my ass off, right beside a bunch of my coworkers who had to miss Thanksgiving to sell baubles to Ogres.

When I saw my house, and climbed into bed, I told myself it was okay.  A little lie to keep oneself on track isn't bad, is it?

So here it is: Black Friday is black. As in evil. It is hard to shake a lifetime of Thanksgiving traditions and memories for a couple extra bucks an hour. Companies should try offering their guests values more frequently and go back to valuing their employees as much as the dollars we earn them. Managers should learn to thank workers for giving up their hol
idays. What gets under my skin is knowing that most corporate leaders do spend time with their families on Thanksgiving.

Episode 8's original art.

Profit margins have replaced people, and it is no longer thought of as socially unacceptable to let one's selfishness overshadow basic rights of dignity and respect for the low-down retail employee. Guests have become Ogres. In a world where terrorists and madmen are destabilizing society, and education seems broken, it's easy to see the retail dilemma: less pay, and poor working conditions, which probably will not improve anytime soon as small potatoes. But retail is Hell - and oh the suffering. I felt like I was aboard a ship where half the crew was dead, and the other half was dying on Black Friday. My manager cuts hours wherever he can, and I know this, (it helps fatten his year-end bonus) but there were not enough workers in our store this past Black Friday. This year he went too far.

I'm going out on a limb, but I am going to say that I believe Corporate America has taken over. Family traditions have fallen by the wayside. A real movement is needed to close shop doors on Thanksgiving. Folks should face these companies and demand better values all year and say they will not tolerate stores opening on Thanksgiving Day to make money.

A few folks might say that my book: Retail Hell: Baker's Dozen is a way for me to cash in, and that I am no better than the corporation that employs me. I cannot say that Retail Hell hasn't brought in a couple of dollars, but mainly writing that novel, and painting the cover was a great form of therapy for a disgruntled retail veteran. I'm not going to quit my job for my book profits -besides, they are too meager for any sustainable lifestyle.

Nothing harmed me while I was writing my book. I'm no shrink, but I'd say having to miss traditional events with close family and friends to work at a dead-end job does do lasting harm. I can guarantee two things regarding Baker's Dozen: 1) Readers who work retail will get it and 2) Laughing is good therapy, and they will laugh. No one smiles as they go to work on Black Friday, an unnecessary evil to make the rich richer while shitting on the working poor.

The Dirk Fender personal code is an old doctrine: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Corporations might do well to remember that workers will not stay loyal to companies that make them miss time with friends, family, and loved ones.

So folks, should we stand up for retail workers, or leave them to fate? I'm no expert, but I am pretty sure that fate is a corporate fetus, with a prick attached to its lower lip and it's constantly sucking dick... Should we give into that?

I think not.

Fight the real fight, you've been awesome. I've been Dirk Fender.

12/2/2015 (Dirk Fender is a freelance author published through Primal Publications)