My Black Friday

Get Baker's Dozen

Anyone who has ever worked at a retail establishment on a Black Friday understands that chaos comes to visit the day after Turkey Day. Being a sensitive dude, I frequently interpret the way Black Friday shoppers treat me as a measure of them and not myself. Many shoppers act like total Lemonheads when they don't get what they want.

My book, Retail Hell: Baker's Dozen contains an entire chapter devoted to and entitled Black Friday. This article is a different bag than my book. Firstly, Peter Barton, the main character in Baker's Dozen had it worse. Secondly, readers will find Peter's Black Friday much more humorous than mine.

EP 7's first manifestation. 

Going to work on "Thursday" at 4 PM was not pleasing. I think I'll tell my company to stick it before next Thanksgiving. Thursday? That's what my company calls the day before Black Friday. It's just Thursday to them. I mean screw tradition, right? Hey, corporate dickwads - It is still Thanksgiving to me. And to all consumers: Shop until you drop. I hope your doorbuster HDTV goes tits-up by next Black Friday. The stuff we sold at low prices was total bunk this year. I don't get the fascination.

Nobody at the top of my corporation gives a crap that I couldn't spend Thanksgiving with my kids. I can face that. So, knowing I would not be able to break free of my self-imposed retail bonds, I went to work at 4 PM on THANKSGIVING.

My first job of the evening was crowd control. The line had some very "challenged" individuals waiting in it. There was this one chick who kept huffing an E-cig and trying to scam me into letting her people cut in line after the corporate fucksticks had imposed their 5 PM deadline on the throng of ogres. People tried to cut; folks attempted to plead their cases. I shot them down -pleasantly. I was kind but firm.

On the Tuesday before Thanksgiving I had the displeasure of meeting what I call an Ogre near the electronics department in our store. This woman was a willfully rude woman, with a cruel streak. In an act of sublime justice, I was able to see that same woman attempting to cut into line, so I got to send her to the back.

I smiled inwardly for at least an hour after that.

Once the line was inside, I worked filling endcaps. I helped several guests, and do you know what? They were all very kind. The shift was atrocious, though, and the checkout lines were insane. Corporate has taken out six check stands to make room for a coffee bistro during the past five years. No wonder the line to cash out went all the way around the store, weaving down each aisle. Go backs were everywhere because guests had time to think stuff through before they bought.

I hope sales were low. I started to appreciate why so many folks hate retail chains. It's because the only time you can get anything at a low price is on a day where you have to fight like hell. Or so some dudes believe.

The police arrested two guys because one dude busted the other in the face after said dude bumped him with a shopping cart. Naturally, the other guy punched the other, rinse, repeat.

There were no treats like there normally are in the breakroom on holidays; there were dangerously warm deli sandwiches- and some 12 packs of warm soda that went fast. Some Thanksgiving.

After my "lunch break" at 9 PM, I picked up abandoned merchandise all over the hardlines side of the store. I worked my ass off, right beside a bunch of my coworkers who had to miss Thanksgiving to sell baubles to Ogres.

When I saw my house, and climbed into bed, I told myself it was okay.  A little lie to keep oneself on track isn't bad, is it?

So here it is: Black Friday is black. As in evil. It is hard to shake a lifetime of Thanksgiving traditions and memories for a couple extra bucks an hour. Companies should try offering their guests values more frequently and go back to valuing their employees as much as the dollars we earn them. Managers should learn to thank workers for giving up their hol
idays. What gets under my skin is knowing that most corporate leaders do spend time with their families on Thanksgiving.

Episode 8's original art.

Profit margins have replaced people, and it is no longer thought of as socially unacceptable to let one's selfishness overshadow basic rights of dignity and respect for the low-down retail employee. Guests have become Ogres. In a world where terrorists and madmen are destabilizing society, and education seems broken, it's easy to see the retail dilemma: less pay, and poor working conditions, which probably will not improve anytime soon as small potatoes. But retail is Hell - and oh the suffering. I felt like I was aboard a ship where half the crew was dead, and the other half was dying on Black Friday. My manager cuts hours wherever he can, and I know this, (it helps fatten his year-end bonus) but there were not enough workers in our store this past Black Friday. This year he went too far.

I'm going out on a limb, but I am going to say that I believe Corporate America has taken over. Family traditions have fallen by the wayside. A real movement is needed to close shop doors on Thanksgiving. Folks should face these companies and demand better values all year and say they will not tolerate stores opening on Thanksgiving Day to make money.

A few folks might say that my book: Retail Hell: Baker's Dozen is a way for me to cash in, and that I am no better than the corporation that employs me. I cannot say that Retail Hell hasn't brought in a couple of dollars, but mainly writing that novel, and painting the cover was a great form of therapy for a disgruntled retail veteran. I'm not going to quit my job for my book profits -besides, they are too meager for any sustainable lifestyle.

Nothing harmed me while I was writing my book. I'm no shrink, but I'd say having to miss traditional events with close family and friends to work at a dead-end job does do lasting harm. I can guarantee two things regarding Baker's Dozen: 1) Readers who work retail will get it and 2) Laughing is good therapy, and they will laugh. No one smiles as they go to work on Black Friday, an unnecessary evil to make the rich richer while shitting on the working poor.

The Dirk Fender personal code is an old doctrine: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Corporations might do well to remember that workers will not stay loyal to companies that make them miss time with friends, family, and loved ones.

So folks, should we stand up for retail workers, or leave them to fate? I'm no expert, but I am pretty sure that fate is a corporate fetus, with a prick attached to its lower lip and it's constantly sucking dick... Should we give into that?

I think not.

Fight the real fight, you've been awesome. I've been Dirk Fender.

12/2/2015 (Dirk Fender is a freelance author published through Primal Publications)

FitBit: What Am I Paying For?

#FitBit:What Am I Paying For?

The most revealing thing about the FitBit isn't even the device itself. Oh no. The manufacturer does claim to boost activity. It does encourage exercise. Concerning the FitBit, the wrist unit is relatively accurate. The primary FitBit app is free, and the premium one costs nearly one third as much as the actual device -annually.

I mentioned in my last Fitbit article that the start-up app is lacking. Put plainly, it's performance sucks. It's terrible. Never fear -there's an alternative. This new "choice" is a slight achievement, but it sucks too. Using Fitbit's web page one can log on to record their stats, sleep, food, how much water -exercise.

Cool right?

Not really. Why isn't using the web browser and app awesome? Well, when one mixes their day up logging breakfast at home on the PC, and then at lunch on their iPhone app guess what? The two logs don't mesh together.

Hey Fitbit, your lack of a decent introductory app -one not so full of bugs and B.S., is a huge turn-off. Look, I want functional. So as far as Fitbit's Premium app subscription goes my verdict is no.

I'm not paying more if Fitbit can't make what I already paid for work.

How the hell do these folks make so much whip when their app sucks hind tit? I haven't a clue.

Here's some stuff about the Fitbit device that is cool:

Records how many steps you take using less juice on the charge meter than the "Steps" app for FREE on iPhone.
Tracks heartbeat -it's not clinically accurate.
Tracks how many floors you climb.
The FitBit presses you to climb extra floors and get 10k steps daily. Well, it's supposed to.  I went hiking, and it said I did 42 floors on the web page and 84 on the app.

Fitbit tracks calories. The Fitbit database is lame. It often has no idea what I'm eating when I scan a label. With alcohol Fitbit's calorie tracking grinds to a halt. This sudden stop is due mainly to the ineptitude of the Fitbit's software developers. To quote my girlfriend, "If you're going to have a scan function make it work."

Side note: If you want to track calories try the "My Fitness Pal" app. This app works so well it freaks me out. It knows what I'm putting down my gullet with a minimum of fuss. It's free too. My Fitness Pal can link with the free "Pacer" app- therefore providing the same type of data Fitbit's app does at no cost.

So what am I paying for then? Not much. Fitbit does send an encouraging email once in a while -if I accomplish one of its goals. Are these emails enough compensation for my wrist always itching? For that ugly band on my wrist that costs $149.99 plus tax that does little else than a pair of free apps?

Let's break it down. I lost five pounds. Even though I contribute this to eating less in the first place and cutting down on liquid calories, I did lose five whole pounds of flab. Cool. To track that weight loss through Fitbit's inconsistent applications, the price per pound weighs in at $29.98. My girlfriend did not lose any weight, but she still looks great.

I quit recording my stats when FitBit's app decided to stop syncing with their website app. Not being able to gather usable data logs with the device made me think less of the FitBit. It itched and was ugly.

I agreed when my girlfriend said we should take them back after a month of proper use. The lady at Target took the thing back without arguing.

"Why are you bringing it back?"
"The app that goes with it doesn't work."

I took part of the refund money and bought myself season four of Game of Thrones on Blu-Ray. It's better and cheaper.

Here's my big reveal about the FitBit: Don't waste your time or money on Fitbit. You can do better for free. It's not even good as a watch. One has to push the button to tell the time.

Goodbye, FitBit.
You suck.

Dirk Fender

Retail Reboot

Howdy,

For those expecting another Fitbit article, there's one coming down the pike. I just wanted to give everyone a heads up.

Here's the news. As of today all Episodes of Retail Hell  have been unpublished. Yep, you heard it here first folks: Dirk Fender is an unpublished author once again.

Pulling the Kindle episodes of RH is a decisive move. Is this the end of Retail Hell? Hell no. This is the start of a better one. When I first ran my idea for RH by Donny Swords then at the helm of Primal Publications -we thought it might be beneficial to put out single episodes to perhaps get on the Kindle Unlimited bandwagon. It worked for a while and we even spent about a month in the #30-40 rankings. Ep. 1 made it to #1 in both free and paid for a short span.

Not bad.

Better is on the way.

The new version of Retail Hell will include rewrites of the original eight Episodes. I've committed myself to bringing Retail Hell readers a much higher level of quality -while maintaining the humor and insanity. The new Retail Hell will be called Baker's Dozen. I'll let you guess how many Episodes or chapters of RH that will be. This new Retail Hell will arrive in novel form and will not stay Kindle exclusive. RH will see as many formats as possible before years ending. All I have to do is everything. I'm especially stoked that Retail Hell will be in paperback. It will be worth it to finally physically hold a book I've written.

Dirk Fender

Buy

Lynn on Life is a real account of a Author Lynn King's journey of self-discovery. Lynn gives you a summary of her life thus far and shares several of her own journal entries. She speaks about her lifelong struggle with depression and learning to cope through therapy, pills, and writing. She talks about her family, searching for her purpose in life, and her quest in finding and trusting God.

#LynnLives



Check it out here!

Hey guys,
I finished my book and hit the publish button.  Unfortunately I don't know much about computers or marketing.  I am still struggling with my depression.  I started a new medication like 10 days ago and I think the inbetweenedness of the two medications is what has made it so hard.  Today was the first day in quite a few days that I actually felt normal.  It helped that my man helped me get out of bed in
time to have a few minutes to relax before rushing off to work.  Getting out of bed is definitely the hardest part for me.  I haven't been writing much.  I haven't been doing much of anything really besides working and sleeping.  It is exciting to have my book out there and available, but also a little intimidating.  I just checked and I actually sold one.  Hooray! But it is such a risk throwing out my whole life story and wondering how people will react to it if they find it interesting enough to purchase in the first place.  I don't know.  This one was therapy for me.  Publishing it just makes it possible to get my story out to others.  Hopefully it will help other people with depression realize that they are not alone.  Anyway.  I have started another project and am hoping to feel well enough soon to continue working on it.  It will be an attempt at romance.  I also have interest in writing children's books but am having problems getting inspired and motivated.  Hopefully I will make it a regular thing to check in with you guys here on the Primal Publications page.  Thanks for all your support.  --Lynn

Fat-Guy #Fitbit Friday #1: By Dirk Fender

Fat-Guy #Fitbit Friday #1: 

By Dirk Fender

Pre Fitbit Crunch Day:

So it's Friday already. I concluded my last Fibit article by stating that today I would walk out my 10 k step goal while pushing my bike, and then ride back home, all this after I have done my "Floors" for the daily goal Fitbit sets. That's 10 floors ascending.You don't get "floors" added to your stats for going down.

Truth is, I'm dragging. I'm tired. I worked hard this week and have racked up like 74 k steps of the 70 k goal already. I'm down 8 floors for the week though, which is doable. I'll add them in today.

Fitbit sends users encouraging emails.

I've eaten a Chocolate Brownie Cliff Bar and Dannon Oiko's Greek (raspberry) Yogurt and am just about to take a shower, get dressed and go.The initial plan was to take food along. I decided to take my wallet instead. It will be interesting to see how the real world, and practical food choices will figure into my fitness experiment while I get my nutrition on the go. I should mention here that I have not made an entire shift to "a healthy diet." I am simply eating less of my normal foods, while cutting out as much soda, beer, and as many high calorie snacks as I can.

I'm going to break my stats down at the end of my article, so I'm off for now... In addition to using the Fitbit App, I will also utilize the excellent Strava App, it's for running and cycling, but it will trace my entire route and give an accurate total for the miles and mph I travel.

Well, it's now or never -wish me luck.

10 k step/bike trip:

Around 10:30 I was stoked to get underway. Plans change. My girlfriend called and said she'd be home for a little while before she went to have her taxes done.Starting my Strava app, I decided to climb the floors on my apartment building  until I made up for the Fitbit recommended floor climbing I missed throughout the week. I wanted to get my medal and see my girlfriend. I climbed 18 floors, and for doing so, I got a champ medal. Climbing up and down that many flights was actually kind of demanding.

I hung out with my girlfriend until 11:09, but then she started looking rather hot and I knew that I would soon choose to ravish her and just laze about afterwards all day and not go get that 10 k. So I bucked up, gathered my stuff, gave her a kiss and went out to face the cruel Fitbit-tinged nightmare I'd schemed.

I flicked on my Strava App and set out. I was kinda getting a late start. I walked to Quiktrip and bought a Gatorade. That possibility of adventure had awakened my dormant traveler. I was on the roam, and better yet -I wanted to roam. That's cool, not letting the couch, or in my case Lovesack (a giant bag that looks like a bean bag chair but is fulled with memory foam) win. Nope, slithery behaviors aside, I was determined to do at least one thing wholesome. I was out there dammit -giving this shit a whirl. I felt like a bloated badass. Lookout world, a fat guy with nothing better to do than trudge his Fitbit-recommended 10 k steps is on the loose.

I'd be pushing my bike for roughly 5 miles and then riding said bike home. This first mile went by faster than my first sexual experience did. I thought I was cooler than the Fonz. But let's get real, when I started this Fitbit thing, like only 5 days ago, I weighed in at 255 pounds. I'm a human balloon. That's the real of it.

Part of the reason I'd gone to Quiktrip was to check my tires, but then I realized the air was fine. As I was pushing the thing though, somewhere after that giddy first mile, I noticed the back brake was rubbing the rim (side note: I need new tires, these are threadbare in spots). I stopped five or six times to try and adjust it, but the rubbing ultimately made pushing the bike a slow go. I just unfastened it (another side note: must fix back brake).

I stopped for a brief break at 3921 steps. At that point my flannel shirt was warm, so I took it off and slung it over my bicycle handlebars. This was at 12:12 PM. A furiously fatter guy than me passed me on some strange low-riding 3 wheel motorbike that looked like a kid's toy. He just barreled down the sidewalk, not watching out for me at all. What a fuck-face, he almost ran me down. My fat cells were screaming out rationalizations.

Uh, Hell yeah

"Look at that fat ass," they said, "you aren't as disgusting as that goon..."

I made my brain shut up. I was getting cranky. I probably should have eaten a better meal before leaving. I felt it later too.

Around 6220 steps I passed this stuck up girl who acted all creeped-out by a guy pushing a fully functional bike while walking down the street grinning because Conan had just slain a lesser Cosak on the audiobook I was listening to. Man, audiobooks are great for stuff like this absurd 10 k step/ride experiment. Shortly after passing that girl I went into Walgreen's and got myself some shades.

At 12:26 PM the sun shone through a cloudy sky, and a cool breeze invigorated me, despite how tired I'd gotten. When I reached 7227 steps, I paused at a Circle K. Buying Gatorade yet again and also a Special K Protein bar:, I started back.

I hit 10 k steps soon thereafter. I felt as awesome as Batman, for 1.1 seconds and then became annoyed that the Fitbit thing was vibrating for longer than the thrill lasted.

Fitbit sent me this other encouraging email.

I would get the remainder of my steps with little issue; winding up with an actual total of 11,210 steps. That's around 5.29 miles according to Fitbit: and not too unreliable, as my Strava App, (which I turned off while I hung with my girlfriend) noted the whole trip to be 5.2 miles, and the Fitbit had kept tracking when Strava was off.

Cool.

The Fitbit says I have burned 2,968 calories so far today, walked 5.29 miles climbed 18 floors, had 7:17 hrs of sleep last night, with 2x waking and 23 restless moments and the Strava App says the 10 k event took me 1:45:02 in duration over 5.3 miles, with an average speed of 3.1 miles per hour. I know -too slow Joe. At least maybe the effort I expended will matter down the road, when I'm staring down the gaping maw of Fitbit Hell, while pushing myself to possibly worthless and undeniably obsessive extremes. I'm Dirk - it's what I do.

I wore normal clothes for this walk, because I was interested to see what this kind of walk looked like. I wanted to somewhat mimic a normal foot commuter's day. I probably blew that. 5 miles does feel kind of far.

One of the things I did going into this was to have like 4 beers the prior night and eat carrot cake, roast beef, and other delicious stuff, like I was running a marathon or something. "i'll burn it all off," I had reasoned. At the end of this workout I had burned twice the calories as I took in Thursday night. Wouldn't matter anyway -I was still under Fitbit's recommended calories by much more than their -750 deficit recommendation last night and all week long anyways.

Does Dirk recommend the Fitbit yet?

Maybe.

I'm going to give it a month and let you know. Hopefully you got something from this -I might have. At least I got tired from actually doing something and was unafraid to try and change my wicked ways.

Until later,

Dirk (Fat-man) Fender

Dirk's week one weigh in:

Sunday: 255
Friday- post 10 k step/bike event: 254

Sun-Friday Stats;
85, 339! 
That's 15,339 STEPS over Fitbit's actual goal of 70 k.

Also from Primal Publications available on Kindle and in print:

This is a very real account of a young woman's journey of self-discovery. Lynn gives you a summary of her life thus far and shares several of her own journal entries. She speaks about her lifelong struggle with depression and learning to cope through therapy, pills, and writing. She talks about her family, searching for her purpose in life, and her quest in finding and trusting God.

Buy Lynn on Life Here.

#Fitbit is it the Shiznit?

#Fitbit -Is It The Shiznit? 

By Dirk Fender

Hello everyone. 

Dirk Fender coming to you live; er in delayed print actually -to talk about something other than Retail Hell. I'm going to talk about my new device, a Fitbit Charge Hr in a short run of articles.

Yep, I'm bored so I'm going to test this bugger out. I've gotten myself in a pickle with my weight, and need to be more active. 

So here I sit, with a Fitbit on my wrist. 

Here are some random things about my Fitbit band:

As far as the way it fits, that's fine. I don't like the band much. It's functional -but while I'm working hard at my real life retail gig, the band causes me to sweat and that irritates me.I'm also allergic to certain metal and latex, so this thing is scary close to giving me a rash. Not going to lie here, that's shitty. A cloth or leather band would have been nicer, and I mean out of the box. I don't want to buy extra stuff when the jury is still out on this Fitbit thing. Okay, most of the appeal of the Fitbit for me is the idea that I can record my activities and get real time stats about those activities. I don't give a rip about sleep stats, but this thing says I only sleep like 2.3 hours a night. No wonder I feel like I'm in a fucking comma everyday. I mean, I guess this is a cool stat, but you can't even record how many pushups you did. Instead of being able to record your repetitions while weight training or whatever, you are stuck having to time the "activity." Lame. But kinda fucking stellar too. Have you ever wondered how many calories you burn while having sex? You can track that stat. It's awesome, you can even see your heart rate... if  the clunky-assed Fitbit App actually loads. The Fitbit App glitches on my iPhone 5. My iPhone 5 usually runs apps real well, like Strava, and My Fitness Pal. Those are great apps by the way, and easy to use. The Fitbit app makes me reboot my phone often to enter in data, freezes, and won't let me sign out. I like the concept, but I hate the app. Based on the crappy performance of their app, I'd rather be flayed to death than pay them $50 for more headaches their "perfomance app" probably would bring me. 

I wreck the Fitbit's 10 k step goal daily. I have to go slightly out of the way to get the floors though. I've added a couple weak attempts at extra exercise, and I've mostly cut out soda, beer and all that stuff. I did have one Mickey's draft and a Dr. Pepper. I still fell well below that 750 daily caloric deficit Fitbit recommends so that I lose weight. I am even way below that their lowest number, but the web app and phone apps both seem to be telling me: "Eat Dirk, you can. You'll still lose that lard ass, but you can eat more. You should Dirk. Fucking eat more. Have three beers... steak Dirk -fucking steak." So i'm not playing the eat more game. They say I'm walking 7 miles a day, biking a couple times a week, and screwing my girlfriend a lot, so I am active. I say bullshit. My body is used to my daily activity. It doesn't give a toss about my Fitbit. Nope, my body is conditioned to do the work it does, I'm not going to lose weight by eating 5000 calories a day... but who knows?

So, according to the app I have walked almost 61k steps of a weekly goal of 70k steps in my first four days. Sound like a lot?  Trust me, I'm not doing much more in this first week than working my job. I'm watching my calories, and doing more exercise than the nothing I was doing when I'm off work. I'm not doing the insanity workout or anything hardcore -that's well, insane. Nope.

So I have three days off coming on Friday. I was thinking about getting my 10 k steps anyhow, to finish out with like more than 100 k for the week. I'll do a test-run on Friday to see how long it takes to enact my insane plan. I'm going to do those 10k steps -my ten floors first (one of Fitbit's challenges is to climb 10 floors daily) and then I'm going to walk it, while pushing my bike. I'll ride my bike back home when I reach the 10k goal. Then I'll tell you about my walk/ride and tell you if I weigh lighter after the first week.. 

Cool? 

Deal, 

I'll see you then,

Dirk Fender

email @ DirkFenderlive@gmail.com 

Buy Six Pack 

Six Pack: Episodes 1-6 
Explore the wild world through the eyes of a Mid-thirties retail clerk. 

Episode 1: Peter gets himself into a pickle with a cashier and shoplifter, plus a few other gals. 

Ep. 2 Damsels:the de-pickler. 

Peter's perplexing pickle is resolved with the gals, in a roundabout way. 

In Ep 3: After his triumph in EP 2, Peter has to cover a shift at guest service... stuff happens. 

EP 4: Days melt into the raunchy & bizarre as Peter's date with Starla goes awry. 

Can sex and drugs lead to a promotion? Possibly Peter's luck is changing. Or not. 

Step inside the life of a once ordinary- but now turned head-cheese, retail employee. Ep5: Peter sets new store standards as he steps into manager, while trying to avoid doing things Dickie's way. A cousin's- cousin or something helps him accomplish his dream of growing green to earn green. Operation Gang Green is born... more happens. some funny things. You should probably check it out. It's free on Kindle Unlimited. 

Ep. 6 Can Peter win out over Dickie, Halloween, harvest, and Red Sonja? Hard to tell. You better read this one to find out.

Stuff & stuff n' stuff.

Stuff.

Right?

Those ties that bind.

So its tough sometimes holding back in life and being scared to take chances.  I guess that's why I do Retail Hell.  That's a good way to blow off steam.  Thing is, turkey day is almost here.

It's a cool thingy-ma-bob, the ingenious marketing machine retail stores use to cheat their workers of

Get this!

time they should get to spend at home or with their families.  Alas, Episode 7 will explore some of this stuff.

Speaking of stuff,  Retail Hell Six Pack is out this week,(Nov 27) on gobelly-gobelly-goo day- the day turkey's are eaten.  When you watch football, drink beer, eat pumpkin pie, and stuff like that.

I just want to say, take a second and breathe through the holidays.  Don't let your brain explode. Enjoy stuff.  Especially those you love.  Be grateful and give if you can.  Its cool not to be greedy, to give without expectations in return, and 'tis the season.

I would love for all of you to take advantage and pick up Retail Hell Six Pack on pre-order today.  It's like half off the normal price for Episodes 1-6, or Free on Kindle Unlimited.  But hey, I'm having fun- I just hope to have you join in.  Don't forget to be safe out there- I'll check you next time.

The one, the 

Dirk Fender